Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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