Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
