A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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