I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
