worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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