I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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