Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
