He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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