She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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