I haven't been this sober since birth.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
