im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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