So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
