I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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