so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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