girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
