Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
