If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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