im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
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