mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
