Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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