Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
So apparently I’m into choking now
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
