remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize
