he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
we're making bets on your personal life
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
