The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
