So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Randomize
