So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I think i got beer on your cat.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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