went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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