the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
