I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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