I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
