I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
