You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
