my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
