Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
