I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
