My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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