would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Randomize
