But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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