Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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