so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
