proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Randomize
