I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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