you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
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