I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
