in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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