dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
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