I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
