sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
