I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
