i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I'm just crazy horny about you
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
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