3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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