They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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